DWIGHT HOWARD NEEDS A SPANKING

So I've had it up to here. I guess you can't see but I'm pointing to a spot just above my head.

I wrote a column on why some guys have rings and some guys don't, and it was great fun pointing out the obvious get er' done types and the obvious loser types. But then I didn't finish it, and for whatever reason the thing didn't save, so it's gone. And I'm not writing it again, at least for now.

Though it's easy to sit in my massive hindsight machine and make criticisms, it's still beyond me how NBA GMs can't figure it out, and how certain players are allowed to run roughshot all over their coaches, teammates, and organizations.

Case in point, the Orlando Magic.

I guess since I titled this post what I did, let's start with the so-called Superman, Dwight Howard. After the awe he inspired by being a quicker and more athletic version of Shaq in his first few years, and the Magic's surprise trip to the Finals last year (albeit after defeating another mental midget, LeBron James, who I chronicled in that damn column I lost), I have to say that I was pretty impressed with him last year.

But then came the bitch shit. Then came the requests for Stan Van Gundy to tone it down, because he was hurting players' feelings. Then came the LeBron-like need to make games friendly smile-fests, and not the battles they should be.

Leader, bitch. Team, bitches. Enter the throwback Boston Celtics. Winner, winner chicken dinner, the Magic just got their asses handed to them because Dwight wanted Stan to be nicer. And he wants to be a funny man. And he doesn't want to learn to shoot free throws differently, and he doesn't want to learn to play offensive basketball.

He doesn't want to be INTENSE. Like a lot of players think, it doesn't look cool. Last time I checked, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Garnett and Co., Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, the Detroit Pistons, and Gregg Popovich would rather chew you out then make funny commercials with them.

That's why the Celtics are handing the Magic their asses. Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, Ray Allen, and Rajon Rondo, and all the rest of them C's are just plain tougher than them. If they heard a player ask their coach to be nicer, they might turn around and beat their ass. Literally.

So the Magic's leader doesn't know what it means to play competitive playoff basketball, which completely neuters SVG. And it doesn't help matters that he doesn't know rotations or understand the X's and O's behind the game, so even if he did want to lead his teammates on the court he wouldn't know what to say to them.

As of right now, the only players that have shown up to play are Jameer Nelson, who will at least look for his shot, and Matt Barnes, who understands the physicality behind playoff basketball but, unfortunately for the Magic, he's Matt Barnes. Frankly, I'd take Matt Barnes' offense and defense over that of Vince Carter's these days, who may be the biggest loser on the court. Talk about a waste of basketball talent. It's no surprise that him and T-Mac were on the same team, and are cousins. Every time Carter touches the ball it is a net-negative for the Magic. He doesn't create penetration, make good basketball decisions, take open looks, or make them when he does shoot the ball. He misses clutch free throws. He is the reason the Magic can't stop the Celtics on defense. If he covers Ray Ray, Ray runs around a screen or two and is quickly wide open. If he covers Pierce then he gets ball-faked into easy layups and personal fouls. If I've ever seen a case for benching a player that was supposedly brought in to become "the man" during the fourth quarter, this was it.

With losers like Howard and Carter setting the tone for the Magic, they literally have no chance against a seasoned winner like the Celtics. It may have worked against LeBron's picture-taking frontrunning crew last year, and in the regular season this year, but not against a Celtics team out for blood.

At this rate if I were GM Otis Smith I would take Howard out to the woodshed and scold him until he cries (it won't be hard), and then tell VC that he's coming off the bench. I'd start Jameer, with Pietrus (even if he does stupid things on D at least he's not scared), Barnes, Brandon Bass (the only guy who wouldn't mind punching somebody other than Barnes), and Gortat (who also looked like a pansy). Bring Howard off the bench and play him like the energy guy that he is. Rashard Lewis? He's useless as a power forward if Howard can't draw a double-team, so let him play the three coming off the bench and since Barnes is probably only good for 25 minutes anyway, he'll see most of the time. Ryan Anderson? He shouldn't see the court. He's worthless. J.J. Redick? He's another guy that you could use instead of Pietrus, although J.J. really seems to have lost his confidence after the timeout gaff.

Is all that crazy? Sure it is, but at this rate the Magic need to be playing for next season. Not sending a message to Howard and any of the guys they are planning to keep will be much more disastrous than losing 4-0.

And if Baby Dwight doesn't want to hear any of the negativity, either get him a guy that can be a true No. 1 and let him be a poor man's Pau Gasol (albeit without any resemblance of an offensive move), or move him because any team that has this child as their No. 1 player is doomed to a lot of top-8 finishes, low draft picks, and guys that don't want to play with a loser (just ask Vince about that).